I'm running this. I've never run before 2021. I have had depression, even recently. I have felt this hopeless.
I didn''t know Michael. Please read about him. He was important.
I knew Ed Hopkins. I was in a band with Ed., I lived with him at the University of Delaware. I hung out with him in Boston, the place he died. We got into a lot of trouble. Some of the trouble I really can't talk about because....well, legal. I know his family. They still want to know why. Ed took his life 30 years ago. He was just a kid. He suffered. It's been that long. I still think about him.
I knew Frank Heiss. Frank helped me get sober. We were in Year One together. The guy would have broke through a brick wall for me, and me for him. These people are rare. I don't have people like Frank in my life anymore. The night he died he spoke at an AA Meeting. He spoke about hope. He spoke like everything was alright. No one there knew he suffered. Six hour later he was dead. I miss him. This was difficult to write.
I know Barbara Legere. I didn't know her son Kevin. Kevin was an addict and decided to take his life. He suffered with the stigma of addiction and mental illness. The pain of living was greater than the pain of dying to himself and others. My heart goes out to Barbara, who I know, and Kevin who I didn't. (Barbara's essay in regards to this opens the book
The Epiphanies Project: Twenty Personal Revelations. It's a fantastic read.
I am running for Ed, Frank, Kevin, and Barbara. I'm running for Michael's family who will be there. I've never run before. This is my first 5 K. I'm not sure I know how to do this. All of this. Sometimes, I'm not sure how to "Life".
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So why am I talking about this? Why am I running? It's important to talk about. Talking to someone may save their lives. I had a conversation last night with, good old, NAME REDACTED. We spoke about suicide---and I'm not claiming to be any expert (in fact, I am probably wrong at points here), nor is this intended to be any guide, but I'm pasting the conversation because by example it's all about understanding or attempting to. It's about asking hard questions and maybe reaching out to someone. It's a real conversation on messenger. Here it is:
Other
Person
May I ask you a hard
question?
I
sent
sure
Other
Person
Ok, just say so if
you can't answer
I
sent
k
Other Person
A friend of mine
tried to take their life this year. Thankfully, unsuccessful. I have been at
very low places in my life, but don't consider myself suicidal. Why would
someone do this? I'm trying to understand better so I can be a better friend.
I
sent
I've
been suicidal.....it's basically, the pain of being alive is too great to
endure. it's less painful the act of suicide than to continue for another
second. That’s the general. The specific is about people, places and things.
The isolation. They not feeling importnat.
Other
Person
What does the pain
come from?
I
sent
the
pain, according to Durkheim, which I believe is from living in the random and
not having specific connections. Possibly by people places and things.
Other
Person
Listening. Thinking.
I
sent
sometimes
it's caused by a desire to do the act "at someone" or "at the
world" but often it's the person's inability to connect, and
function.....again outside and persoanl events, or individual chemistry
Other
Person
do the act?
I
sent
attempting
suicide
I sent
"the
act"
I
sent
sometimes
it is a cry for help, or to be noticed from the invisible but the later step is the desire to stop the pain
Other
Person
So, feeling so
isolated, misunderstood, undesirable, and failed that you wish to punish the
world for not "seeing" you, but turn on yourself instead? Yes, I
understand the pain part
I
sent
well,
end the pain of those feelings
Other
Person
Yes. Exactly what I
would assume.
I
sent
and
I'm sorry about your friend
I
sent
many
of us are suicide survivors, a term for loved ones of the deceased
Other
Person
I have felt all of
that, but seem to have some sort of gage that recognized "evil" in
the world and doesn't turn on self. Or realizes what I need to do to reorient
and not turn on self. I've been through hell. I should be dead. I think my
friend will be ok. But, I worry. And very much want to understand.
I
sent
I
don't know if it's turning on oneself, but more like an "off" button.
Flip off the pain switch
Other
Person
Interesting. That's
why many addicts do drugs. An off button
I
sent
Exactly,
also, as I considered it today, why addicts kill themselves rather than
relapse---or right after relapse
because
doing the drugs is a lose, and not doing them is also a lose
Other
Person
Sure. A bind.
Ok, so its just (I
don't mean that lightly) another coping skill
I
sent
the
lowest common coping skill, in a way, yes
Other
Person
Because the pain
persists
I
sent
suicide--it's
too painful to live and not to live at the same time
Other
Person
Sure. But a legit
coping skill. We need to legitimize is more.
I
sent
therapy
can only do so much for my depression
Other
Person
I agree
I
sent
coping
by lacking athe ability to cope?
Other
Person
As my first therapist
said: therapy is great but friends are better."
I
sent
I
agree with that
Other
Person
Coping: (of a person)
deal effectively with something difficult: Suicide is "effective"
when you are in that much pain.
I
sent
I
agree
Other
Person
I'm not going to
shame it and call it ineffective
I
sent
you'd
have to define "effective" in that original definition
Other
Person
New,
"healthy" coping skills don't deal with pain. It's the pain that
needs addressing
I
sent
most
coping skills somehow are avoidance
Other
Person
I'm just trying to
show that "coping" is not a healthy goal. I have a lot of good coping skills that are not avoidance. But I also address my pain. The coping will only sustain me long enough to address pain.
I
sent
but
what's the alternative
Other
Person
Love
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth
