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All I wanted to do was stop drinking. My life was unmanageable, mostly my attitude and mental health. The way I drank was no longer fun, and it was getting self-destructive. If I continued, I knew something would happen, far worse than anything I was imagining.
I stopped. It was difficult. I joined A.A., and if you or someone you know needs to stop, do it any way you want, but A.A. was the only thing that worked for me.
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Why did my life keep getting better every year? It did because of Step work. I now have accountability and am more honest. I'm not by any means perfect, but I'm dishonest at least 100 times less than before. I still lie much more than Elizabeth Holmes, who never has.
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Because of this, I am kinder, can show more love, and can pause without needing to react to everything. This affects my relationships, my day-to-day interactions, my self-esteem, and the way I see the world.
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The bar was pretty low too. I used to think that life sucked, but now, removed from the person I used to be, I realize that I was the one who made it that way. My decisions, activities, priorities, self-centeredness, and ego were all off. Working the Steps allowed me to look at myself not in an accusatory or hateful way, the way I used to look at my faults, but in a way that helped me understand why I did the things I did.
Honestly, though, I didn't know what I would write today. I have written about my anniversary every year, but this year I wanted to talk about the goals I set a year ago.
RECOVERY GOALS FOR YEAR 16
1) Go to fewer meetings.
Wait? What?
I'm not advocating for not going to meetings, but I wanted to cut mine by 10-15%, so I had more time in my life to do the things that I do. I've done this, and I've done that.
2) Up my spiritual game.
I had a Higher Power a year ago, but it was just kind of hanging around outside of my program. I was believing but not applying. It was like a separate entity. Then I contacted someone I'd known for a while who had visibly enhanced her own life after she popped into my feed. Witnessing her love and growth, I asked if she would be my spiritual advisor. She agreed, and we meet on Zoom a few times a month. It really helped to talk about our spirituality 1:1 and get someone else's perspective. When I picked up a sponsee this year and we went over the Steps, I was able to apply this new understanding and apply it to my life. Some amazing, magical things happened this year, and if you want to know about them, just ask---I'm not writing this to sway anyone, but wow, I reached a spiritual awakening, defined as a profound shift in consciousness where you realize that you are not your thoughts, emotions, or ego, but rather the silent observer of them, measured by a change in attitude.
Check, check, check.
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Sixteen years ago, all I wanted to do was stop drinking, and now I have learned all of these things.
Life is good.
Boy, is it ever.
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If you are having trouble with drugs and alcohol and wish to stop, help is available, and there are people (like me) you can contact.
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