Looking Good on the Outside

 This is a more serious post than usual

on some "famous quote" site

There's a certain saying, "Everything looks good on the outside....," 

Yes, the new podcast is a lot of fun, and I have a new book coming out---and it's all feeling like a side-show barker where things go out in the universe yet no one sees what's going on. None of those things are really 'me'. 

I'm not talking politics. 

Things get to me. 

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A friend I care about is suffering. I called out of the blue because I found a flash fiction in one of my folders I'd forgotten about. Upon review it was something sent back and forth in 2013 with this friend, so honestly, I didn't know who wrote it.

So, I called. It had been awhile.

And then I needed to help them. Fuck. Friend was going through withdrawals. Suicidal. Ah, fuck. Had been a fentanyl addict for six years, unknown to me. Talked a bit. Tried to give as much hope as I could. Contracted for safety. 

Then I just wanted to collapse, not move, not weep, but feel all that pain. 

Called the next day with info on a facility which had a bed for greater than 30 days. I still don't know what to do. That's where that stands. 

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Then there was an amazing essay I read from someone else that I guess I'm no longer friends with. My guess. My head. My heart. Hurts. 

Being ghosted by a friend is weird. Nothing terrible or even bad had happened. It makes me feel of little value. The essay was the best thing I've read all year.  

What do I do? Feel sad. Nothing. 

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Someone told me of an app called WeCroak. The app is inspired by a Bhutanese folk saying: To be a happy person, one must contemplate death five times daily. Whatever I'm there, I'm not happy. The app sends you five quotes a day, basically telling you to live your life as if it can end at any time. 

There something to be said about that. 

Maybe, I'm saying it.