Another Year Around the Sun--Birthday Today--14 Years of Sobriety in Three Days---"My Misfit Manifesto"

   

My Misfit Manifesto. 14 years on November 6.

Hi! 

I snuck a shot of vanilla extract at the age of five from the pantry at home. Then, later in high school, alcohol helped me to invent myself as something new, because I was an awkward, uncomfortable, unconfident, picked on, felt uncomfortable in my skin and viewed as a somewhat “weird” kid. Now I know much of my undiagnosed ADD, ASD and OCD was a big part of that perception. Children like myself, with the more minor traits of these weren't diagnosed or treated, so I just found I was getting in trouble a lot.

The first chance I could, and with a fake ID, I self-treated with alcohol, partied a lot, standing out as someone that fit in that way. It fucking worked! I still didn’t do things in conventional ways, especially drink and use drugs the way others did. When it became obvious and people started to show concern about my drinking and had the courage to tell me, I was more likely to celebrate that fact than to try to change. I liked that it stood out, and how I felt about alcohol it became what I was made up of. My parents even bought me a copy of A Drinking Life by Pete Hamill, and I was disappointed that it wasn’t an alcohol manifesto. (I mean, cool, a dinking life! I have that too!) I identified alcohol as my solution.

Then things in my life started going worse. "Normal" people were settling down and I was still out there like I was in college. Like that song, the lights go out, the music dies--but I was still dancing without lights, swaying within a dance of more. When you hit early to mid-thirties into your forties you should no longer act and get wasted like you were in your teens and twenties.

I drove drunk often as well, perhaps four times per week on average. Besides that, I put others at risk, others even traveling in the same car as me. I’d drive with beer in a cooler on the passenger seat with my children in the back. I’ve driven blacked out and grayed out. I was eventually going to kill myself doing this, or I'd just kill myself. I certainly wanted to, but I was too chicken. What I really wanted was to live, I just don’t want to be in pain. I wanted to quit drinking, but I still wanted to be able to drink. I was still the same misfit, who didn't fit in, but now I was a seriously beaten one.

Then I stopped. I quit with the help of others, and nearly everything in my life got better. 

   *I learned accept myself.

            *I learned to be kind.

            *I learned I could change.

            *I was no longer selfish in how I wanted things to be.

            *I learned it was ok to be myself. I didn't have to act out or entertain the world to be liked.

            *I do things without the expectation I will get something back in return.

            *I’ve written eleven books since I became sober, four of them novels.

            *My children, friends and family see me differently---they see me as the person I want to be.

            * I am present.

 I still feel out of place in new social situations when I attend by myself. I do well hosting, or reading, or playing music---it's kind of a sweet spot.   

        

           Very important to my recovery is that I still go to meetings that keep this mindset going. I can keep things in my life as simple as possible but simplicity is now the norm--it's not that hard. I have fought and continue to fight my disease. For my other stuff, I take medication responsibly, and a very low dose. People say they are inspired by me if they decide to start their own sobriety journey. I am always willing to help if you message or call me, even if you don't know me. I had my last drink November 6, 2010, and on Wednesday it will be 14 years.

Now, Days are Never Long Enough.

MUSICAL BONUS ROUND

 Beth/Rest this isn't a recovery song, but it's good for my meditation. Music has always played a big part of my life and I am grateful and lucky to have and had a chance to play it.