Another Year Around the Sun--Birthday Today--14 Years of Sobriety in Three Days---"My Misfit Manifesto"

   

My Misfit Manifesto. 14 years on November 6.

Hi! 

I snuck a shot of vanilla extract at the age of five from the pantry at home. Then, later in high school, alcohol helped me to invent myself as something new, because I was an awkward, uncomfortable, unconfident, picked on, felt uncomfortable in my skin and viewed as a somewhat “weird” kid. Now I know much of my undiagnosed ADD, ASD and OCD was a big part of that perception. Children like myself, with the more minor traits of these weren't diagnosed or treated, so I just found I was getting in trouble a lot.

The first chance I could, and with a fake ID, I self-treated with alcohol, partied a lot, standing out as someone that fit in that way. It fucking worked! I still didn’t do things in conventional ways, especially drink and use drugs the way others did. When it became obvious and people started to show concern about my drinking and had the courage to tell me, I was more likely to celebrate that fact than to try to change. I liked that it stood out, and how I felt about alcohol it became what I was made up of. My parents even bought me a copy of A Drinking Life by Pete Hamill, and I was disappointed that it wasn’t an alcohol manifesto. (I mean, cool, a dinking life! I have that too!) I identified alcohol as my solution.

Then things in my life started going worse. "Normal" people were settling down and I was still out there like I was in college. Like that song, the lights go out, the music dies--but I was still dancing without lights, swaying within a dance of more. When you hit early to mid-thirties into your forties you should no longer act and get wasted like you were in your teens and twenties.

I drove drunk often as well, perhaps four times per week on average. Besides that, I put others at risk, others even traveling in the same car as me. I’d drive with beer in a cooler on the passenger seat with my children in the back. I’ve driven blacked out and grayed out. I was eventually going to kill myself doing this, or I'd just kill myself. I certainly wanted to, but I was too chicken. What I really wanted was to live, I just don’t want to be in pain. I wanted to quit drinking, but I still wanted to be able to drink. I was still the same misfit, who didn't fit in, but now I was a seriously beaten one.

Then I stopped. I quit with the help of others, and nearly everything in my life got better. 

   *I learned accept myself.

            *I learned to be kind.

            *I learned I could change.

            *I was no longer selfish in how I wanted things to be.

            *I learned it was ok to be myself. I didn't have to act out or entertain the world to be liked.

            *I do things without the expectation I will get something back in return.

            *I’ve written eleven books since I became sober, four of them novels.

            *My children, friends and family see me differently---they see me as the person I want to be.

            * I am present.

 I still feel out of place in new social situations when I attend by myself. I do well hosting, or reading, or playing music---it's kind of a sweet spot.   

        

           Very important to my recovery is that I still go to meetings that keep this mindset going. I can keep things in my life as simple as possible but simplicity is now the norm--it's not that hard. I have fought and continue to fight my disease. For my other stuff, I take medication responsibly, and a very low dose. People say they are inspired by me if they decide to start their own sobriety journey. I am always willing to help if you message or call me, even if you don't know me. I had my last drink November 6, 2010, and on Wednesday it will be 14 years.

Now, Days are Never Long Enough.

MUSICAL BONUS ROUND

 Beth/Rest this isn't a recovery song, but it's good for my meditation. Music has always played a big part of my life and I am grateful and lucky to have and had a chance to play it. 

Thoughts on the Election: Mr. McMahon and Mr. Trump

 

After watching Mr. McMahon on Netflix, (and besides feeling the need to shower after) I came to the conclusion how our elections are very influenced by what's real: More so, people want a good story line, and that's what they will vote for. It doesn't matter if it's fake or untrue but as long as certain folks running do the "good guy vs. bad guy" rhetoric the way McMahon did for the WWF the votes will come in. Mr. Trump is very, very similar to Mr. McMahon in his leadership and rhetoric. He also was a big fan of pro-wrestling. Mr. McMahon and Mr. Trump are both very good actors, who actually play themselves. Crazy and unhinged, which some may find endearing, the way rooting for the bad guy is kind of cool, but in reality it is very, very dangerous.

Trouble is that this isn't pro-wrestling, and these created stories have nothing to do with real politics, or do they move any of the real political issues. We are at extreme risk that the distraction of the story, drowns out democracy and our rights disappearing, and no one will think that this is a bad.

Vote to keep democracy first---as that could disappear, while some keep cheering as it happens. Vote to keep our Rights, and not have them taken away. Vote to squash hatred, racism, misogyny----any "we are superior to them, because they are garbage, or dangerous, or a threat to the status quo.

Please, voters, especially in the swing states...WE NEED YOU NOW.

My feature at Contro-Verse tonight. Reading from Almost Bluing for X-Tra Whiteness, and four NEW poems never heard before

 

Contro-Verse is Jeff Taylor, Anna Geoffroy, Cathleen Chambless, and Chris Hickey. Thanks to Jeff for recording this.

01:55 If the Mind Goes First (for my father), 02:23 Marsha Said, 03:05 REPLY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A LIFETIME OF LOSSES, 03:47 The Ordinary 04:52 I didn't want to call the 988 Operator, Late 2022 06:09 Dependents 06:48 What Cannot Be Fixed 07:39 After You Go 08:09 Reflections; A 17 Year Old Drug Addict Forty Years Later 09:12 How to Extinguish a Raging Fire 09:52 Tennessee Songbirds 10:48 Found in a Basement in Dorchester 11:28 Flashbulb of a Lightning Storm 12:08 Into the Silent Sea 12:55 Star Island, Night One, 2024 14:14 Almost Famous 15:23 Things You Find in Miami Beach (25 Thousand Dollar Pyramid Form)

Lo Galluccio reviews "Almost Bluing for X-Tra Whiteness" for BSPPS and The Somerville Times (unabridged with the F word)

 Grateful to Lo Galluccio, Poet Populist of Cambridge, who wrote a wonderful review. Also, grateful to Doug Holder, poet, and Poetry Czar for publishing it in the Somerville Times and The Boston Area Small Press and Poetry Scene.. The Times is one of the area's leading print town newspapers, and Doug has been an editor there for over 25 years. Nice of him to sneak the F word into a local paper. The links above will bring you there, or just scroll on down to read it!

            Is the title ironic? Is it meant to mimic a toothpaste or detergent commercial? X-tra Whiteness suggests not race in this book, but some kind of gleam. Or maybe Gager is playing on the theme of whiteness, and even including race. After several readings, I’m still not sure but the title, it’s pop and its ambiguity, drew me to this collection, without a doubt.

The book’s divided into four sections, the first “Blue” contains poems most of which are elegiac poems to loss: the loss of a pure, true love, the death of his beloved father, its blue meaning bereft, blue as in the blues, to be blue, sad, as Nick Cave mentions in his lecture on love songs like the Portuguese word saudade. Here is tangible sorrow, even desolation, a sense that the world has broken apart into a void. In “Dependents” Gager posits that rescue when it comes, comes too late to save anybody. “Listen/smother me with a pillow/Don’t worry, no one will come/…/and when they finally come…it’ll be too late.” p. 11. In “After You Go” he writes: “we send to the sky our grief/when writing letters/to the deceased.” p 13. This affirms both the sense of futility and awe that accompanies a close relative or friend’s passing. Certainly, a testament to mortality and our inability to stop death. And later, “No one makes/our longings/into a song.” There seems no compensation, no silver lining to this black cloud. There is a nostalgic poem to three past New Year’s Eves with the lost partner, now gone: 2020, 2021 and 2022, where in a Cape Cod Airbnb it begins to drizzle, “right before the sky fell down.” p 17. Gager deftly deals in worldly concrete specifics, often juxtaposed with more abstract forces, nature, the sky. In 1/1 he insists that his love is “one of one” and that since they no longer converse, “…I no longer recite.” p 19. A sense of mute longing that is however, undercut by the playful, imaginative language with which Gager crafts these “blue” poems. They are, as he writes in “It Sunk” “…my best pieces, /wreckage after implosion.” p 23.

Part 2, is a shorter section entitled “X-tra-White.” It begins with a poem called, “Reflections: A 17 Year old Drug Addict 40 Years Later,” a meditation on getting clean and losing bad habits of addiction, a little shoplifting, badmouthing others which amount to an “empty echo of lunacy –” and the harsh violence or violated foundation “struck, strike, striking,/of permanence.” The addict recovers through an act of faith as God is summoned and gives one more chance, so the addict “started to clean.” p 29. This is an ode to recovery without going into the painful steps sobriety requires. In contrast, in a combative mood, there is indulgent excess that is a “reply to someone who said, there’s a lot of selfish going around here.” In response to this reprimand, the narrator licks sweet syrup and heaps on bacon, “sticking my tongue directly on/the sizzle of a steak.” When something is stolen from us sometimes our impulse is to steal more from the world, in a desperate and seemingly justifiable greed, “I’m waiting to eat more/of what the world owes me.” He wants, “More/Bring it/Some more.” p. 31. Dunno, is Gager suggesting that X-tra whiteness in\our society means, addiction/recovery/country music/abuse/death…some of the themes in this section. He ends this part with a “found” poem that takes excerpts from Twitter, In Their Own Words on NYE, 2022, drawing upon the tweets of female public personas that range from Michelle Obama (On Knitting) to Marjorie Taylor Greene (Saying Stupid as Fuck Things) to Margaret Atwood (On New Year’s Day)-- the kind of piece that gives us verifiable documentation of the way social media voices can scream at us for good or ill.

In Part 3, “Re(a)d” Gager moves into a more redemptive sequence of poems on matters of the heart. The first, title poem plays with the homophones, “red” and “read” and suggests that we read or interpret that bold valentine of love in a hypnotic, playful way. There is rhythmic music to it: “heart/red red/heart/red red/heart/red/heart/red.” p 44. Here is something almost primal about how fragile and trancelike a beating heart is. In “Picturing One Great Love” the poet pines to paint a portrait of the beloved and ends with the plea, “Can I finish one drawing/Please…just one?” p. 45 Longing can trick us with its endless myriad tugs, no matter how clearly we see and want the vanished love object to materialize. And there is also a coming to terms with the reality of not possessing-- the sanity of it-- by acknowledging our lack of control. In “Acceptance Poem” he pens an ode to serenity, a concept familiar to many recovered addicts (or members of 12 step programs of all kinds.) As he puts it: “A goal is to have no expectations/Please accept this distance/a gift, where serenity lives/as prospects crucified us.” p 51 Same as prey he suggests we survive with grace like birds, “hummingbirds, bluejays, sparrows and finches.” There is poignant beauty in the poem “Into the Silent Sea” where “the moon was not full today;/it was shaped like a heart,/seen from the bottom, light diffracted,/in a way that made you nauseous…/ that sickness that a state of isolation brings as he still feels “like an incredible ship/sunken and abandoned.” p 47. This section ends with a poem for which Gager was nominated for a Pushcart prize, a narrative poem about a visit to Star Island in 2024 that juxtaposes the calm beauty of a “white gull, blue water/the calmness of the completed” with the brutal excavation for a grave back home. The piece ends with a moment of seemingly perfect harmony though, a bird joining the choir by the sea, and the poet’s astonishment that “a piece of congruence, /swiftly the flash of/” could be real. “Damn, it can be,” he asserts.

The final section, “Blu-ing, as distinct from the first section, “Blue,” is where the poet takes on other themes, objects, even humor. It’s as if “Blu-ing” were the poet’s ability to compensate for or distract from the underlying grief by looking at the world with some jauntiness and resilience. It begins with “Abecedarius,” in compressed form, a poem whose lines copy the sequence of the alphabet. Only this one is just seven lines, that run from letters A to X, a lovely mysterious piece that lives “under voracious waters,/xeric, your zone.” Someone, and I forget who, said that a few poems should contain exotic or unfamiliar words, so I looked up “xeric,” and it means arid. With the big currents turned back, the poet is dwelling in a paradoxically safe, dry space, under a deluge. The poems “Almost Famous” and “Literary Action Figures” give us some comical relief; the first about how Boston’s so called famous eating joints are actually not known outside of the locale and the second is a look back to childhood toys and a sibling spat about a Barbie whose hair is pulled out, and a “Bukowski doll” and the favorite, a Kurt Vonnegut figure, who defies his sick sister’s destructive tendencies. Real or fictional it gives some insight into the writer’s psychic literary pantheon. In “Recipe Dumb-Ass Men Use to Cook Women” Gager catalogues the obnoxious ways men can turn off women in their ego-centric stupidity, including lying and “proclaiming distaste toward/ the dirty bourgeoise./ p. 69. A simple fave of mine is the closing poem, a list poem called, “Things You Find in Miami Beach,” that includes “a hairless cat” and “Hot as fuck/white/sand.” In the end, he leaves us with a slice of the world, an ode to escape on a popular Florida beach.

This is a marvelously composed collection that includes both the sacred and the profane. It’s about love, loss, mortality, addiction, recovery and survival and it’s both a good time read and enlightening literature about the state of our humanity. From the particle of deep loss to a wider field of understanding and acceptance, Gager takes us on a carefully executed poetic journey that leaves us wiser and well sated. I’ve frankly missed out on a lot of Tim’s fiction work, but I’m very happy to have found this, his latest offering. I feel both alive and awakened by it.

Vulnerable stuff regarding the book launch for and content of Almost Bluing for X-Tra Whiteness.

  PLEASE read to through the end. *  

The launch is this Saturday, October, 5th at 230-500 PM, at Remnant Satellite, Cambridge, Ma. 

   I’ve had some amazing book launches in the course of my nineteen  books. I read at all of them without any reservations, as I was confident in the work, had some friends to read with, and the turnout was great. All-in-all, very humbling. There were many highlights, which I remember fondly.

2014 Lasagna Launch for Bill Sloan---(Hi, mom and dad)

The Thursday Lunches of Bill Sloan 

In 2014 for The Thursday Appointments of Bill Sloan, I made a lasagna, and hand packed 15 or so brown bag lunches to give to those attending. In the novel, the main character, Bill Sloan used to bring the same brown bagged lunch every day. The lasagna had nothing to do with the book, but I make a killer lasagna, and no one spilled, spit out food, or destroyed anything at Porter Square Books. Those who brought home lunch bags messaged me the next day that they ate it for their lunch break at work.

Elephants anyone?

     Every Day There is Something About Elephants had a great launch, but in a way, sad now as The New England Mobile Bookstore closed during Covid. That was such an interesting place, and still is missed. On that day, the CEO for my publisher, Big Table Publishing, Robin Stratton brought food and elephant cutouts. After that launch I was texted pictures of elephant related anything and everything.

          Speaking of Covid, the book 2020 Poems, was launched on Zoom in January 2021. It was ten months into the pandemic, when people never left the house. I was grateful for the large support I received on camera that day.

         In 2022, and 2023,  Joe the Salamander and The Best of Timothy Gager brought in full houses on two Saturday afternoons  at The Center for the Arts at the Armory in Somerville. At Joe’s launch I had t-shirts from Sunnyslope, Az, where Joe and his family lived, Legend City Amusement Park, where Joe’s father worked, and a Superman shirt, which Joe often wore. 

        
  

     

*    Which brings me to this Saturday, and the launch for my new book of poetry, Almost Bluing for X-tra Whiteness. I have some reservations because it will be difficult to read some of the poems, originally written 2022. A lot when down in 2022, and things got dark by the end of that year. Many of these poems reflect that. Those who knew me then know exactly what I’m talking about, and those I trust, have heard if from me. If this is new information…well, you and I really must work on our relationship.

I’m a proponent of in writing, that you must go there, to the difficult places, whether in memoir, fiction, non-fiction or memoir, because that’s what makes it real, and in my case, I just wouldn’t write. It’s obvious in my writing when I’ve made a decision to hold back. What I will say about those past struggles is the support which I received from many people during that time. I will never forget those friends who were and are still a part of my journey. I can say with complete honesty that now life is amazing, and everything going on today is full of hope, love, and gratitude.

Hope to see you all Saturday. I’m so happy to bring out the new book, and I hope someone asks me about the title.  Best of all, I’m extremely excited to present the other poets, supporting this reading, whom I find spectacular, Melissa Cundieff, Krysten Hill, and Chad Parenteau. Melissa appeared on my Virtual Dire Series and I was just blown away with her work. Kysten's poetry is always amazing, and distinctly different than mine, but so good it's downright catch-your-breath good. Chad, an important individual in the poetry world, which puts his own fine and unique work on the back burner. Proud to call him a friend. I’m grateful for accepting my invitation to celebrate with me. 

The Remnant Satellite Brewery in Cambridge sponsors this event, because they want to support the arts in the area. They certainly stepped up to the plate.

2:30 Doors Open

3:00 the Readings

4:00 Reception, Cash Bar, Cash Food

 

  

Pushcart Nomination from my publisher Big Table Publishing

 

   It's always nice to get a nomination, and to get it from my publisher who 
believes in me. It is my 19th Pushcart nomination. Robin Stratton and Big Table are always on my side, and I'm very happy they published Almost Bluing for X-Tra Whiteness,  and nominating the poem Star Island, Night One, 2024. This is a poem I wrote on Star, and read in the chapel.  Also, kudos to Niles Reddick, Paul Beckman, and Zvi Sesling. 

SEPT., 28, 2024 Boston Poetry Lineup. Find your favorite poets and hear them for 5 minutes

Very pleased to be included again. 

Tune in to their Facebook page to watch live.

2024 Schedule

2024 Boston Poetry Marathon Schedule

Many thanks to all our participants. We have over 100 poets reading at this year’s Boston Poetry Marathon. <!–We are close to our fundraising goal, to cover the costs of this all-volunteer effort. Please donate today!–>

Donate

Please note this schedule is subject to change. No readers will be moved out of their hour without notice, but they may be moved around within their designated hour without notice. PDF version and the Zoom link forthcoming.

Thank you for your interest in the Boston Poetry Marathon! We look forward to seeing you on September 28!

Hour	Name
09:55:00 AM	Organizers intro/welcome
10:05:00 AM Rob MacDonald 10:10:00 AM Michael Gottlieb 10:15:00 AM Robbie Gamble 10:20:00 AM Jessica de Koninck 10:25:00 AM Elisabeth Weiss 10:30:00 AM March Penn 10:35:00 AM Jonathan Aibel 10:40:00 AM Julia Lisella 10:45:00 AM Bridget Eileen Madden
BREAK
11:00:00 AM	Willie Wideman
11:05:00 AM	Ellen Steinbaum
11:10:00 AM	David Miller
11:15:00 AM	Mairead Byrne
11:20:00 AM	Alexis Bhagat
11:25:00 AM	Marcia Ranglin-Vassell
11:30:00 AM	Meredith Arena
11:35:00 AM	Marcella Durand
11:40:00 AM	Martha Collins
11:45:00 AM	Karen Henry
11:50:00 AM	Michael Steffen
BREAK
12:00:00 PM	Jennifer Jean
12:05:00 PM	Kali Lightfoot
12:10:00 PM	Tom Daley
12:15:00 PM	Elizabeth Guthrie
12:20:00 PM	January O’Neil
12:25:00 PM	------------------
12:30:00 PM	Jennifer Martelli
12:35:00 PM	Mattie Deed
12:40:00 PM	Jennifer Markell
12:45:00 PM	Jack Miller
BREAK
01:00:00 PM	David Kirschenbaum
01:05:00 PM	Jack Giaour
01:10:00 PM	---------------------
01:15:00 PM	Ann E. Wallace
01:20:00 PM	Angelo D’Amato, Jr
01:25:00 PM	Steven Riel
01:30:00 PM	Mid Walsh
01:35:00 PM	Tom Laughlin
01:40:00 PM	Chuck Stebelton
BREAK
02:00:00 PM	Joy Ladin
02:05:00 PM	Dennis Nurske
02:10:00 PM	Ruth Lepson
02:15:00 PM	Gale Batchelder
02:20:00 PM	Doug Holder
02:25:00 PM	Max Heinegg
02:30:00 PM	Shira Dentz
02:35:00 PM	Gilmore Tamny
02:40:00 PM	Jennifer Firestone
02:45:00 PM 02:50:00 PM	Sam Cha Kimberly Lyons
BREAK
03:05:00 PM	Timothy Gager
03:10:00 PM	M.P. Carver
03:15:00 PM	Joey Gould
03:20:00 PM	Hanna Larrabee
03:25:00 PM	Guy D’Annolfo
03:30:00 PM	Chad Parenteau
03:35:00 PM	Lloyd Schwartz
03:40:00 PM	Kayla J Cash
03:45:00 PM	Simeon Berry
03:50:00 PM	Joanna Fuhrman
BREAK
04:00:00 PM	Clay Ventre
04:05:00 PM	Ariella Ruth
04:10:00 PM	Philip Hasouris
04:15:00 PM	Sarah Pearlstein
04:20:00 PM	Simone John
04:25:00 PM	Holly Guran
04:30:00 PM	Ed Gaudet
04:35:00 PM	-----------------
04:40:00 PM	Joe Elliot
04:45:00 PM	Suzanne Mercury
BREAK
05:00:00 PM	Jennifer LeBlanc
05:05:00 PM	Kacy Fallon
05:10:00 PM	Carrie Bennett
05:15:00 PM	Fred Marchant
05:20:00 PM	Josette Akresh-Gonzales
05:25:00 PM	Carol Weston
05:30:00 PM	Amanda Cook
05:35:00 PM	Christina Liu
05:40:00 PM	Sara Letourneau
05:45:00 PM	Carla Schwartz
BREAK
06:00:00 PM	Clarise Annette Brooks
06:05:00 PM	Elena Harap
06:10:00 PM	Darren Black
06:15:00 PM	Eric Silverman
06:20:00 PM	Daniel Pritchard
BREAK
07:05:00 PM	Samuel Ace
07:10:00 PM	Thomas DeFreitas
07:15:00 PM	Jordan Turk
07:20:00 PM	---------------------
07:25:00 PM	Jenny Grassl
07:30:00 PM	Parmit Crassa
07:35:00 PM	Annie Won
07:40:00 PM	Sean Cole
07:45:00 PM	Xtina Strong
BREAK
08:00:00 PM	Jack Kimball
08:05:00 PM	Kelly DuMar
08:10:00 PM	Meia Geddes
08:15:00 PM	Marcia Karp
08:20:00 PM	------------------
08:25:00 PM	Kenning JP Garcia
08:35:00 PM Valerie Loveland 08:40:00 PM Lauren Russell 08:45:00 PM Jordan Davis
BREAK
09:00:00 PM	Linda Carney-Goodrich
09:05:00 PM	Kevin Gallagher
09:10:00 PM	Mark Lamoureux
09:15:00 PM	Annie Pluto
09:20:00 PM	------------------------
09:25:00 PM	Trisha Zembruski
09:30:00 PM	Thera Webb
09:35:00 PM	Stevie Subrizi
09:40:00 PM	Nada Gordon
09:45:00 PM	Jim Behrle
09:50:00 PM	Douglas Rothchild

The End