Being an asshole is kind of a thing. It trickles down from the most powerful person in our country (name your favorite asshole who leads us), to the least. It is not influenced by class, race, religion---there is asshole potential everywhere. We vote for assholes because they are strong in their views, and citizens can live out their inner-asshole in supporting that. Assholes get ahead! They appear confident, driven, and get what they want. They will break you before you can break them. People who act in ways that aren't kind or empathetic may win certain battles, but they often end up alienating others or struggling in ways that aren't immediately visible.
A few years ago, I decided, because much of my pre-sobriety was pretty selfish and self-centered that I would be as kind as possible. I believe I've succeeded in that. I was available. I did things for people. Unfortunately, the Universe still confuses kindness for weakness and I got pretty much trampled, especially of late---misunderstood intentions, broken plans, decisions to not be friends. Fuck, if I know what happened. Sure, I had a role in it, that maybe I was too kind to the wrong people, but the way I felt about myself has suffered.
At least when I was an asshole, I knew exactly where I stood with people. If they were still around, they really wanted to spend time with me, because, after all, I was an asshole. Also, people I ended up standing up to...didn't matter at all, if I were an asshole or not, as mutual dislike was already there. There was nothing to lose in bad behavior in these instances.
I like being kind, and I don't want to be a jerk but I'm missing all the perks of being an asshole.
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